Fair Warning (Alligator Dept.)

The front page of the Miami Herald is in one of its alligator panic moods today, blaring across the top, Trappers stalk a killer gator. Yes, on the day of the NSA scandals, the most important story in the universe is that,

Armed with smelly bait, a heavy-duty nylon cord and empty plastic bottles, a handful of hunters in a motorboat set traps in the muddy waters of the North New River Canal in West Broward on Thursday in an around-the-clock quest to snare a man-eating alligator.

The hunt began Wednesday about noon, after the mutilated body of a 28-year-old college student was found floating in the canal along State Road 84, just south of Markham Park, in Sunrise. The medical examiner ruled that the woman, who may have been jogging, was attacked, maimed and killed by an 8-to-10-foot alligator.

And, there’s the companion story, Search for water drives gators toward us.

Which brings me to this public service announcement.

It being the graduation season, we can expect some parties. And parties sometimes mean inebriation. And if it happens on campus, it happens near our lake. And our lake sometimes has alligators and even a crocodile or two.

So, students, take note of this important study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are:

BATON ROUGE, LA–In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator-drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people’s drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles’ ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

“Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling,” said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU’s prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. “Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it’s a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it.”

You Have Been Warned.